Just as a writer

  Even though I hate you I can't forget you. Days and days passed by And we never came near by. All I need is to find me back But my heart still lack. A journey not bargained for came on the way To wipe my sorrows away. Gaea hugged But your presence bugged. Vast spread tilths or the palace, None of them seemed to balance. It was a tavern Which made the light burn. I heard a voice. It was Mantras.  The Mantras for a new life. Mixed with the high volume music  The chants felt like melody. “ Do not go after people Who do not deserve you. Do not make yourself cry. Do not waste time to harm yourself. Make yourself better. Do things that makes you happy Makes you to be yourself .” It ended soon But the chants were still echoing in me. My heart thought about it And continued to dance With the rhythm of the new life The rhythm of enlightenment. While my soul was reciting the Mantras. The Mantras of purpose of life.

  I hate you I hate you for being a distraction I hate you for being disturbance I hate you for ruining my life I hate you because how I feel now I hate you for being a competition I hate you for being a liar I hate you for being a cheater I hate you for being a fake friend.   I hated you when you called me your friend I hated you when you body shamed me I hated you when you slut shamed me I hated you when you judged me. I hate you for distracting me from my life I hate you for disturbing my goals and academics So you can take my place. I hate you for ruining me  With your sugar- coatted words and fake charms. I hate you for making me feel like nothing When I gave you the very best of me. I hate you for being a betrayer I hate you for laughing at my worst.   I hated you when you  Framed me as your best friend When you had a back-up friend. I hated you when you said I'm pretty. I hated you when you said I'm innocent I hated you when you said  You'll never ju...

  I loved a person Thought that he would love me back. Said everything about me. I gave myself fully in Thinking that he also had feelings. But at the end He called me a slut! I broke my heart But I realised That I loved only a boy Not a man.

Again my tears rolled down Thinking about the day. You were happy And you were holding her hands. You seemed like You're enjoying every moment. You always needed me When you were in trouble. Now you don't even know my existence. They called us for an image. An  image I'll never forget. A memory that would last long. You were in the front row And I was pushed to back. I was barely visible. You didn't even care. And sat next to her  While I was at the back Holding my tears. People asking what happened? And me blaming it on rubble. Everything was blury. Only thing I remember Was my tears. The bloody tears. You didn't even asked Where I was! You were just blaming It on me for being angry. You were using. The late realisation Made my condition even worse. Where am I ? Hugging a pillow Crying unconditionally. Bleeding blood from my eyes. I was some where else. I was in the land of betrayal. 

  It's late night But my tears don't seem to stop They're running Running all over my face Like a river in flood. My walls and pillows ask why? My bed and table needs a reason. But I couldn't gather a word. A boy I wished Now is completely not mine. We always made time for each other. Everything changed when she came. From his attention to his love. We promised to walk together But now he hold her hands for the journey And I'm abandoned at no where. Her evil smirk on the innocent face Screamed I was fooled. She played with his heart And I asked him to escape. Then I become bad. The darkness absorbed my sobs. The two souls in my nest Drifting into the twilight’s peaceful melody Were unaware of it. While me and my companions Sobbing on a sad love story.

  What's hurt? I know exactly how it feels. What's pain? It's something that destroying me Yet I want it more. If you ask me is it good? I would say it is. But it's also bad. I don't know why  I still do things that may hurt me, Gives me pain. I know It will break my heart Yet I still thrive for it. So I can enjoy pain And get hurted. It's a bad habit, I know. But I want it more and more. “Isn't it enough?” asks my heart. I say no. “You have have expectations, Love someone who can give them.” It argues. “I can't forget him. I love him more than you. I love him more than myself.” I say looking at him. Knowing that I will Never get him. With a little hope that One day he will be mine. And I saw him kissing her I ground my heart By loving him. Now I'm sure that He will never be mine. But I'm loving him Again unconditionally. Knowing I can kill myself. At last as always Hurt and pain wins.

 Does her eyes look That beautiful? Is her hair so smooth? What made you like her? I wanna know. Why can't you love me Like I do? Why don't you just be mine? I want you so much. I want you to hold my hands And walk through the woods. Just us. But you like her better. Your eyes are always on her. Sometimes I love her But I'm jealous of her. I want you to be mine. Will you?

There is something that feels not good. I realise, it's pain The pain from hoping to much. I know you can't give me  What I want. But, can't we be the old us. I miss those days. When you give me your beautiful time. When you cared about me. When you made sure I'm ok. But now it hits different As much as I'm confused Wether it was a dream or real. I miss those days, When we had lot of fun. When we had time for each other. When we smiled a lot. Now we don't do it often. The pain is huge. You may not understand. Losing another friend One more step to loneliness. Just for me...

 When I love someone I love 'em endlessly. But I never get back A one percentage of that. It may hurt But I'll do it again and again Until I destroy myself. I just love this kind of pain. It feels amazing. I love the way it feels.

 Loving is so hard. "Never he's gonna love you." And that you is me. It is so hard When he doesn't even know That you can destroy The world for him. That you can drain An ocean for him. That you can kill Every man against him And even that you can destroy Yourself. He'll never know In spite of these things You carelessly do only for him. Because his eyes Are always on 'her'.